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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25756159">Loneliness</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bokuakabeam/pseuds/bokuakabeam'>bokuakabeam</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>BokuAka Week 2020 [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Break Up</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:34:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,645</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25756159</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bokuakabeam/pseuds/bokuakabeam</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Loneliness had never felt quite like this. Although, to be fair, Akaashi couldn’t quite place a time when he’d actually felt lonely.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>BokuAka Week 2020 [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1856998</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>88</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Loneliness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>BokuAka Week 2020 Day Seven -- Hurt/Comfort</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Loneliness had never felt quite like this. Although, to be fair, Akaashi couldn’t quite place a time when he’d actually felt lonely. He’d been alone, for sure; especially during those long days — days that often stretched into weeks — where his parents would be on business trips, and he’d be left to fend for himself. He’d been alone in classes and during lunches, when his friends were busy with other things or their schedules just didn’t line up. So, sure, Akaashi had experienced being alone. But he’d never fully experienced loneliness until this week.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It had been a mutual decision. That’s what he tried to convince himself, that is. Honestly, it was Akaashi’s fault. But no, in order to maintain his sanity, he had to remind himself that it was mutual. <em>It was mutual</em>. He and Bokuto had been drifting apart for a while now, and with Akaashi now at university with an added workload, their relationship was strained. So, really, it was for the best.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It was for the best because it was mutual, and Akaashi wasn’t upset about it. He didn’t have time to be upset about it. He didn’t have time to feel lonely or pity himself because it was <em>his fault</em> and that was that. But the more that he repeated those phrases like a mantra in his head, the more he sunk lower into his bed. He sank lower into his comforter, pulling it over his head as pain settled deep in his stomach and chest, and Akaashi was suddenly struggling with every breath he took. It felt as if something sat on his chest and was forcing the air out of him, followed closely by the tears that stained his cheeks.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">And Akaashi hated himself for it. This wasn’t who he was. He wasn’t the type of person to fall apart over not having a boyfriend anymore. He was supposed to be the strong one, and yet here he sat, wallowing in a bed full of tissues and damp with his tears. Sobs wracked through his body before he could stop them from escaping, and he quieted his whimpers into his pillow, determined not to let anyone in the dorms hear him break.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It’d been a week since it happened, and Akaashi was still reeling, the conversation replaying itself in his head. Over and over. He’d asked for space, and honestly he should have known the outcome before he even opened his mouth. He should have known that Bokuto would push for a conversation, would push for Akaashi to open up. Akaashi knew that Bokuto had many weaknesses — he kept count — but the one weakness that Bokuto <em>didn’t</em> have was an ability to read people. He wasn’t as crafty as Kuroo, as perceptive as Kenma, or as intuitive as Akaashi, but Bokuto had his strengths in that area — strengths that related to Akaashi, and Akaashi alone. Bokuto could always just <em>feel</em> alongside Akaashi. He was empathetic, sure, but this was something entirely different, something that only Bokuto could accomplish. It’s like he’d be able to anticipate Akaashi’s moods just from a look or a gesture, and he always knew what to do.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">That knowledge must be why Akaashi felt a sudden urge to call his ex-boyfriend late Friday night, the eve of the first week anniversary of their breakup. The line rang several times, and Akaashi pressed his phone closer to his ear, as if he could hear Bokuto on the other side.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>Hey, hey, hey! You’ve reached Bokuto! Sorry I’m not by my phone right now, but leave a message, and I’ll get back to you ASAP as possible! Pfft!</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Beep.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Akaashi opened his mouth, but no words came out for a few seconds. He cleared his throat, and tried again.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Kout— Bokuto-san, hi. It’s, uh… It’s me. Akaashi, I mean. I-I know I said I needed space, and I know this seems like it’s the opposite of what I asked for… But… I’m not doing so well, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi glanced at the mess he’d made of his dorm room during the past week, and continued. “I’m <em>really</em> not doing well. A-And I’m not calling to beg you to take me back. I’m not going to do that to you, Bokuto-san. You deserve someone who’s not scared, someone who’s ready for everything you offer. And you offer so much, Bokuto-san. I was so lucky to have you for as long as I did, and I think losing you is going to be one of my biggest regrets. B-But… The reason I’m calling, Bokuto-san, is… Do you remember that week during my last year of high school? That week where I was completely stressed out about finals, and my parents were gone and I was left to do all the housework myself, and I practically stopped taking care of myself?</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“And you came, Bokuto-san. You came, even though you had your own stuff to worry about — what, being a new college freshman, and all — and you took care of me? Not even just making sure I ate and showered, but you sat with me while I cried, and held me, and told me everything was going to be okay? Well, Bokuto-san… I hate to ask this of you because, really, I don’t deserve it after what I’ve put you through… But… Could you come over? I-I realized that I didn’t just rely on you as a boyfriend, but as my <em>best</em> friend, Bokuto-san. And this is putting a lot of pressure on you, and I’m sorry, b-but,” Akaashi stopped for a moment as his voice wavered, his chin quivering as he held in another sob. “I’m sorry, but I think I could really use your presence, Bokuto-san. Please.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Because the truth is that I miss you, Bokuto-san. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day, I miss you. And it’s my fault, and I’ve accepted the outcome of my decisions, and I still miss you. I just need a friend, Bokuto-san. And you’re still my best friend. I’m sorry, b-but I’m not okay, and I need you to help me be okay.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">As soon as his finger pressed to end the call Akaashi dropped the phone, the clatter once it hit the ground being the only sound masking his cries. Akaashi let himself fall apart, let the tears fall freely and openly weeped into his room. He didn’t know how long it had been since he started, but the sun had long since set beyond the horizon once his tears began drying up, his eyes swollen and puffy. Akaashi took a long swig of his tea, which was now ice-cold, and winced as it creeped down his throat.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Keiji?!” Someone in the hallway called his name, sounding like they were down the hall. Akaashi furrowed his brow, almost inclined to believe it was just his imagination, before that someone was banging on his door. “Keiji, open up!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“S’open…?” Akaashi spoke, his voice cracking and barely above a whisper. Luckily, he’d heard, and the door swung open.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Bokuto stood on the other side, his hair disheveled and his eyes manic. “Keiji? Are you okay?” He stormed into the room after he shut the door behind him, pulling Akaashi into his arms and pressing the man’s face into his neck. “Oh, my God, I’ve been calling you, Keiji. I was so worried about you.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You got my message,” Akaashi said, more as a statement than a question. “I’m so mortified, I shouldn’t have left that for you—“</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“No, Keiji,” Bokuto cupped Akaashi’s face, forcing the man’s eyes to meet his own. “I don’t care what happens between us, I’ll always and forever be your friend. If you’re hurting, I want to be there to help put you back together.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It was then that Akaashi noticed that Bokuto wasn’t all there himself. He had dark bags under his eyes, his hair was deflated like he’d half-assed styling it, and even the gold of his eyes wasn’t as lustrous as normal. Akaashi felt his chin quiver, and fresh tears blurred his vision as he maintained eye contact with his ex-boyfriend.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I’m so sorry, Koutarou,” Akaashi sobbed, and Bokuto swiped the tears from his cheeks with his thumbs.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Keiji, why’d you leave?” Bokuto asked, a variation of the same question he’d asked a week ago.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Akaashi scrunched his eyes closed and looked away, ashamed. “We’ve been growing apart. It was bound to happen eventually. I never see you anymore.” Akaashi hated that he sounded like a whiny child, but he was determined to get his feelings out in the open.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You could have just talked to me about it, Keiji,” Bokuto admonished, furrowing his brows. “Isn’t that what you’ve always told me? Communication is key.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I know, I’m a fuckin’ hypocrite, don’t rub it in.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I’m not trying to rub it in. I’m trying to talk about it so I understand what went wrong. I don’t want something like this to happen again, Keiji, I can’t live through losing you again.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“A-Again? You mean you want to try again?” Akaashi looked up at Bokuto, incredulously.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Of course, you idiot,” Bokuto kissed the tip of Akaashi’s nose. “But we’re really going to have to talk this through. Trust is so important in a relationship, ‘Kaash, and this is an obstacle that we’re just going to have to work through. Okay?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“When did you get to be so smart, Koutarou?” Akaashi smiled slightly, running his hands lightly along Bokuto’s arms, reveling in the fact that he was here in front of him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I read Relationships for Dummies when we first got together.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Really?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Yeah! I didn’t wanna be the one to mess things up! And look at that! It was you!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Now you’re rubbing it in, Koutarou.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Well, yeah… But don’t I deserve to rub it in just a little?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Whatever you want, Koutarou.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>My <a href="https://twitter.com/bokuakabeam">Twitter</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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